Life humor and today

There’s a bit of ironic humor to me in eating a Lean Cuisine for dinner and then finishing it off with a Klondike bar.  Though, in all honestly, even with that, it’s likely less calories than your average “going out” meal anyway.

So, today was annoying.  I never thought I’d reach a point where I felt like I was making too much money, but doing apartment searching with my budget and location, there’s a ton of places that are considered “low income” housing that is the PERFECT price, but I make just a hair over what they say I can make.  So frustrating.  Oh well, I’m going to keep looking, because I must or I become homeless.  Wish me luck, dear readers.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

Advertisements

LFJ

It’s a really scary thing to realize that the job you’re currently working isn’t secure by any stretch of the imagination.  Better to realize it now rather than when you’re given the pink slip, sure, but at least in my shoes, this means putting yourself out in dozens of applications, worried that lack of training here, or the fact that I chose a foray into hedonism instead of completing my degree (a fact I’ve regretted pretty much ever since I grew up enough to walk away from that lifestyle) puts me immediately out from being able to even be considered for what might otherwise be a dream job.

Case in point, I had a great lead for a job that is something I’ve been doing as a hobby (and semi-professionally, off the books) of working a computer help desk, assisting with installing things, both in hardware and software, basic maintenance of PC-type machines, etc.  The rig I’m using currently is the first in a long while that I didn’t build myself, and even that has been upgraded by my hand with a new modem and graphics card.  Alas, I am not A+ or Network + nor Microsoft certified, nor do I have a Bachelor’s degree in anything, let alone a tech field. so I do not qualify for the job.

In the end, it serves as a frustration, but also a reminder that just because I am closer to my midlife than I am to my highschool years that I shouldn’t stop learning and working on getting those certifications.  I can’t change my past, but I can after all change my future and my present.  So wish me luck while I fill out these forms and get back to studying for my varied certifications, etc.  I’ll of course keep you posted.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

(Re)Definition and Alone vs Together

Writing this blog has caused me to really think a bit more about what is going on around me, as well as being rather introspective about myself.  Sure, I don’t post about my age or the details of my work or where I live, but you, good readers, still get to see that precious bit of myself called my mind; but before I can put my mind on the table for your personal digestion, first I have to sample the main course myself.

One of these thoughts has been about defining myself in general.  We all do this all the time, typically very unconsciously.  You’ve seen at lease some of my personal definition in previous posts, from the abstract of word choice and format to the more concrete when I mentioned my preferences for some things over others.  One thing that I’m realising as I define myself is that, frankly, I’m not hugely impressed.  We all have our character flaws, my biggest flaw is basically my defining factor, and I touched on it earlier: I retreat too easily.  When the going gets tough, you can find me at the spa.  It’s not pretty, but it is the truth.

Where am I going with this?  Well, not long before I started writing this blog, I moved a quarter of a continent away from my home, my friends, my family and everyone I’d ever known.  When I first moved, it was to help out my family, but since then, said family has moved back home, leaving me here alone.  It isn’t the first time I’ve been away from home, but it is the first time I’ve done it without a SO or any other connections.  It’s been a bit of an interesting experience for me, living truly by myself and all.

Growing up, I never really wanted to live alone, I defined myself by those around me, and I was afraid of what would happen if those people went away.  Would I become a shut in, already a bit of an introvert by nature anyway?  Would I simply lock the door, stop showering or bathing, and basically give the finger to the world except when I absolutely had to go out?  Would I slip deep into depression with no one there to help me out?  And so on.  The truth is a bit father away than my worst fears so far: I haven’t become a full shut in just yet, outside of this blog, I have a small social group that I am actively working on growing.  I haven’t locked myself in either, for a number of reasons starting with rent and ending in needing food, LOL.  But in all seriousness, even if I didn’t have to leave for those things, I’d go crazy well before I ceased to leave the house.  And as for the depression, sure, I can feel it knocking against my mental walls all the time, but I learned that while I always thought it was the people who helped me out of it, I’ve found that it is equally true that sometimes, it was those very people that brought me down into it as well.

There’s a hopelessness in defining yourself by those around you.  If your self worth is defined by the person willing to sit next to you, what does it mean when they get up, after all?  It’s a needy thing, and not very becoming.  Likely, it’s a not insignificant part of my problems with my SO.  But being alone, even if you aren’t truly along thanks to the internet and telephones, helps to reinforce what is really you.  After all, I can’t look at myself and say that I only got up on time because my SO reminded me that today is Tuesday and not Saturday, or even simply helped to motivate me by reminding me that skipping a day wouldn’t look good for my performance review.

Sure, I knew those things myself even then, as evidenced by now, but I let those around me have agency for my actions.  Being alone, the only one to take agency is myself.  If I don’t do the dishes, they never get done, and it’s my fault entirely.  It’s a painful thing, but at the same time, kinda liberating.  I expect that if and when I manage to make it out on my own as a blogger it might be the same.  I won’t have a boss anymore, no more set times to work vs screwing around, but at the same time, if I fail, it’s 100% my fault.

Now, if you looked at the post title, you might see that I mentioned not just definitions, but redefinitions.  Why is that, you might ask?  Particularly as I’ve spent almost 800 words just ranting about the current state of things.  Well, I got close earlier but then, like most rants, found myself diverted elsewhere.  The whole genesis for this post was to get down in ink (at least digital ink) what I learned from this introspection and definition.  As I said earlier, I don’t particularly like a lot about what I’ve seen about myself.  I’m lazy, I’m fat (these might be related), I run too easily from danger or harm, and I suffer for it.  So today, I’m putting the line in the sand.  I know what I am today, and tomorrow, I will be better, each and every day I will strive and push to make the me of that day better than the me of yesterday, until I can finally look behind me and see that I have finally become what I want to be.  And I’m going to blog about the whole journey, from the not-quite-middle-aged introvert today to the very end, whatever that end may be.  I am the ranting loon, and I invite you to join me, and I hope you find enjoyment in watching my triumphs, maybe cry with me in the failures, and perhaps grow with me by the end.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

Psychology, pain and moving forward vs moving back

So, a few minutes ago, I reblogged an interesting read from Cristian Mihai.  The basics about it being about letting go vs holding on.  Now, in some ways, he and I do have different opinions about things, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth the read.  Rather than clutter up his blog with my own musings, however, I figured I’d post up here my thoughts and all about the subject in full.

The concept of “letting go vs moving on” is actually a really deep conversation, with a myriad factors.  Personally, I’m not a fan of blanket statements in general because of the inherent logical flaws that can spring up (yes, I’m aware of the irony in that statement), but personally, I find that in general, the act of holding on, protecting the status quo (if we wish to define “holding on” as such) is typically the easier route.  There are exceptions, such as Christian Mihai’s plight in keeping funding for his blog.  It would, without a doubt, be easier for him to just pack up and move on, at least in terms of physical effort and time.

At the same time, though, clinging to a dream as the last grains of sand slip through your fingers is a different kind of hard.  It’s not hard because of the effort, it’s hard emotionally, because you stare at failure while it taunts you.  This is a common problem for me, both with holding on, keeping my status quo at the cost of my expression, my love and sometimes, even my future; as well as with letting go, standing still while opportunity slips away, lettings others go because it is safer if I let the friendship die in the comfort of my home rather than confront them and push to keep going.

I suppose, in a way, one could argue that both options are a way of holding on being hard though.  After all, while I might be holding onto the status quo, I’m letting go of my future, of friends and fun, because I’m afraid to hold onto the moment and let myself be exposed to the potential pain.  It is, sadly, a bit of a defining feature for me these days, though one I am decided to let go, as this blog might show.  Yeah, I obfuscate who I am, hide where I live, will not speak of my age or gender, but at the same time, even behind those safeguards, this is the real me.  I’m deep at times, but I’m also hurt and damaged, afraid and alone.  I think about a lot, and usually I keep it all bottled up, but the cork’s off this bottle and who knows what comes next.

Anyway, in the subject I mentioned Psychology.  One thing we as humans have a tendency to do is to try and protect the current state.  Think about it, even those of you who are more spontaneous risk takes out there, how often do you make a choice knowing that doing so might hurt your current state?  And when you do, there’s always the thought that the reward is worth it, or the risk is small enough to be ignored.  You aren’t likely to go walking down a minefield for $1, but you might do it for $1b, as an extreme example (and even then, a large portion of you still wouldn’t do it, even if there was only one mine to worry about).  Similarly, how often have you looked at a cute guy or girl, thought about how much you might want to simply get to know them (let alone anything following) but simply sat where you were, watching from afar because you were afraid of changing the status quo from enjoying a latte to having someone laugh at you?  That fear is a powerful thing, and it is there for a good reason (for instance, with the mines, please don’t actually try that) but sometimes, it just holds you back (like saying hi).  So this is my saying hi, and letting go of at least some of that fear.  And I hope that maybe you can do the same thing, either in my comments, but if not there, maybe you’ll find someone nice to flirt with, if nothing else.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

First posts being first

So, let me start off by saying welcome.  I hope you enjoy the random bits of insanity and reviews that come strait out of my head and onto the page here.  Strictly speaking, this isn’t my first blog, I’ve done it a few times before, but never been remarkably good about actually keeping up with it, but we’ll see how this one goes.

Still learning how to format on this site, so if it looks a bit funky, or at least not up to MLA standards (like I’ll ever be 100% MLA anyway, psh), that’s likely why.  For instance, in the creating tool here, it looks like this is automatically double spaced when I do a carriage return.  We’ll see if that actually happens though, LOL.

Anyway, about me, because that’s what most blogs are, aren’t they?  Self aggrandizing verbal and/or pictorial masturbations of self worth.  The trope’s been done to death, but I actually don’t intend to reveal much about the meatsuit behind the keyboard.  Please do not mind the man behind the curtain, he sure as hell doesn’t mind you.  That said, this blog is an infodump for me, a place where I intend to go to unwind, spill out my thoughts, maybe even learn a thing or two, and write a bit about what I’ve seen, done and intend to do.

You’ll see a lot of anime and manga reviews here, most likely, as well as some food stuff.  I’ll likely talk about my friends on various games and in real life, as well as the games themselves.  I play a variety, though I mostly shy away from most twitch gaming.  When God was passing out the twitch factor, I think I was taking a double portion of the introspection line instead.  LOL  But hey, no one’s perfect, and if I suck at being able to split-second blow someone’s brains out, I don’t really see the problem anyway.  Though that being said, Borderlands is love, but that will be a post for another day.

Anyway, we’re clocking in over 300 words now, so I figure this small essay is big enough for my opening act.  Thanks again for coming by, and I hope you enjoy reading what I throw up.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon