It’s a really scary thing to realize that the job you’re currently working isn’t secure by any stretch of the imagination.  Better to realize it now rather than when you’re given the pink slip, sure, but at least in my shoes, this means putting yourself out in dozens of applications, worried that lack of training here, or the fact that I chose a foray into hedonism instead of completing my degree (a fact I’ve regretted pretty much ever since I grew up enough to walk away from that lifestyle) puts me immediately out from being able to even be considered for what might otherwise be a dream job.

Case in point, I had a great lead for a job that is something I’ve been doing as a hobby (and semi-professionally, off the books) of working a computer help desk, assisting with installing things, both in hardware and software, basic maintenance of PC-type machines, etc.  The rig I’m using currently is the first in a long while that I didn’t build myself, and even that has been upgraded by my hand with a new modem and graphics card.  Alas, I am not A+ or Network + nor Microsoft certified, nor do I have a Bachelor’s degree in anything, let alone a tech field. so I do not qualify for the job.

In the end, it serves as a frustration, but also a reminder that just because I am closer to my midlife than I am to my highschool years that I shouldn’t stop learning and working on getting those certifications.  I can’t change my past, but I can after all change my future and my present.  So wish me luck while I fill out these forms and get back to studying for my varied certifications, etc.  I’ll of course keep you posted.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon


(Re)Definition and Alone vs Together

Writing this blog has caused me to really think a bit more about what is going on around me, as well as being rather introspective about myself.  Sure, I don’t post about my age or the details of my work or where I live, but you, good readers, still get to see that precious bit of myself called my mind; but before I can put my mind on the table for your personal digestion, first I have to sample the main course myself.

One of these thoughts has been about defining myself in general.  We all do this all the time, typically very unconsciously.  You’ve seen at lease some of my personal definition in previous posts, from the abstract of word choice and format to the more concrete when I mentioned my preferences for some things over others.  One thing that I’m realising as I define myself is that, frankly, I’m not hugely impressed.  We all have our character flaws, my biggest flaw is basically my defining factor, and I touched on it earlier: I retreat too easily.  When the going gets tough, you can find me at the spa.  It’s not pretty, but it is the truth.

Where am I going with this?  Well, not long before I started writing this blog, I moved a quarter of a continent away from my home, my friends, my family and everyone I’d ever known.  When I first moved, it was to help out my family, but since then, said family has moved back home, leaving me here alone.  It isn’t the first time I’ve been away from home, but it is the first time I’ve done it without a SO or any other connections.  It’s been a bit of an interesting experience for me, living truly by myself and all.

Growing up, I never really wanted to live alone, I defined myself by those around me, and I was afraid of what would happen if those people went away.  Would I become a shut in, already a bit of an introvert by nature anyway?  Would I simply lock the door, stop showering or bathing, and basically give the finger to the world except when I absolutely had to go out?  Would I slip deep into depression with no one there to help me out?  And so on.  The truth is a bit father away than my worst fears so far: I haven’t become a full shut in just yet, outside of this blog, I have a small social group that I am actively working on growing.  I haven’t locked myself in either, for a number of reasons starting with rent and ending in needing food, LOL.  But in all seriousness, even if I didn’t have to leave for those things, I’d go crazy well before I ceased to leave the house.  And as for the depression, sure, I can feel it knocking against my mental walls all the time, but I learned that while I always thought it was the people who helped me out of it, I’ve found that it is equally true that sometimes, it was those very people that brought me down into it as well.

There’s a hopelessness in defining yourself by those around you.  If your self worth is defined by the person willing to sit next to you, what does it mean when they get up, after all?  It’s a needy thing, and not very becoming.  Likely, it’s a not insignificant part of my problems with my SO.  But being alone, even if you aren’t truly along thanks to the internet and telephones, helps to reinforce what is really you.  After all, I can’t look at myself and say that I only got up on time because my SO reminded me that today is Tuesday and not Saturday, or even simply helped to motivate me by reminding me that skipping a day wouldn’t look good for my performance review.

Sure, I knew those things myself even then, as evidenced by now, but I let those around me have agency for my actions.  Being alone, the only one to take agency is myself.  If I don’t do the dishes, they never get done, and it’s my fault entirely.  It’s a painful thing, but at the same time, kinda liberating.  I expect that if and when I manage to make it out on my own as a blogger it might be the same.  I won’t have a boss anymore, no more set times to work vs screwing around, but at the same time, if I fail, it’s 100% my fault.

Now, if you looked at the post title, you might see that I mentioned not just definitions, but redefinitions.  Why is that, you might ask?  Particularly as I’ve spent almost 800 words just ranting about the current state of things.  Well, I got close earlier but then, like most rants, found myself diverted elsewhere.  The whole genesis for this post was to get down in ink (at least digital ink) what I learned from this introspection and definition.  As I said earlier, I don’t particularly like a lot about what I’ve seen about myself.  I’m lazy, I’m fat (these might be related), I run too easily from danger or harm, and I suffer for it.  So today, I’m putting the line in the sand.  I know what I am today, and tomorrow, I will be better, each and every day I will strive and push to make the me of that day better than the me of yesterday, until I can finally look behind me and see that I have finally become what I want to be.  And I’m going to blog about the whole journey, from the not-quite-middle-aged introvert today to the very end, whatever that end may be.  I am the ranting loon, and I invite you to join me, and I hope you find enjoyment in watching my triumphs, maybe cry with me in the failures, and perhaps grow with me by the end.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

Just a random little post

Nothing new and earth shattering here today, just been doing a little introspection while I’ve been stuck at work today.  When I was younger, I wrote collective stories with my friends, as well as backgrounds for entire fantastic worlds and universes.  Occasionally, I look back at these little bits of fancy and debate with myself on reviving them somehow.

A friend reminded me today about the stories even, which reminded me of the fun I once had, back when I was a generally more creative person.  I’m not really sure what happened to the me that wrote poetry and built worlds and played with Legos, etc.  I have a few theories, some darker than others, but honestly, I really don’t know why I stopped.  I know the excuses of course, my first project was too ambitious, I often wrote myself into a corner, I wasn’t “inspired”, so much of my work was just a rehash or copy of other material, etc.  But I know that these were just that, excuses to hold me back.  I gave in to them, but I never really inspected just why I’d given up so easily.

In a way, a lot was going on in my life then.  I was in the middle of that awkward stage where attraction means more than just finding someone funny or entertaining to be around, I was starting to wrestle with powerful things like depression and withdrawing myself from, well, pretty much everything.  I basically shut my dreams deep inside me.  Truthfully, I haven’t had a literally memorable dream since then even, odd as that may sound.  Maybe that’s as deep as it goes, really, sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’ve been thinking about it off and on again, finishing up the writings on the backgrounds for my varied worlds, putting together stories, etc.  I think I’m going to do it, and I’ll be sure to post up little teasers here for you, my readers, to look at and even help with if you’re so interested.  I’ve always done it with a group of people before, and I see little reason to stop now.  Sadly, I don’t really have any ready-made teasers quite yet, but we’ll see, and I hope you like it.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

Yandere and You

So, I know that I posted about Future Diary already, but I’ve been thinking about it a bit more as things often work once they begin to turn into brain stew.  Going to keep this spoiler lite again as best I can, in fact, this post really isn’t about the show itself but one of the basic themes (which is actually pretty common in anime anymore) to the show, but in either case, you have been warned.

Today, we’re talking about Yandere.  What it is, and why I think it has carved its bloody niche in culture.

Yandere, if you’re not familiar with the term, is a Japanese slang term for “love crazy”, and I don’t just mean that like the American term “star struck” or “love struck”, I mean it like puppy love having a rough encounter with Jason Voorhees.  A yandere is typically adorably starstruck in love, more often than not, some form of stalker, but with one hell of a secret: they’re so crazy in love that their moral compass points strait to “and no obstacles remain between me and my love”.  Speaking of which, anyone with any emotional attachment to their love may well qualify as an obstacle, and they will do everything in their power to remove said obstacles, from violently dismembering them to poisoning their food with an expert precision that implies serious training, to…well, pretty much anything else that might kill the theoretic rival.

So, Yuno is a crazy Yandere willing and able to mow down anything that gets between Yuki and Yuno from eternal bliss.  She, like most Yandere is scary creepy obsessive and possessive, and yet for some strange reason, I find this rather compelling, there’s a part of me that wants a Yuno of my own.  Maybe it’s just because my SOs so far have tended to be actually fairly emotionally distant with me in the end, looking at it more as a solution to a situation than an individual to be loved (or at least that’s how personal history remembers it) but the idea of someone being so crazy in love that they would literally (and gleefully!) kill just to keep you close is a powerful thought.  Yeah, it comes fraught with danger, as a single misstep could spell doom for a close personal friend, or the suicide of the yandere, depending on which archetype we’re dealing with, but it also brings with it the adoration you’d otherwise only ever find in a puppy.

Given the popularity of the character type, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way about this either.  Japan is often very weird, sure, I mean it’s the same island that made Card Captor Sakura, La Blue Girl and Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.  But honestly, I think that’s pretty unfair to Japan.  Americans call it weird, but as anime becomes more and more popular, I’m increasingly convinced that it really isn’t weird so much as it is more honest with itself, though that might be more of a rant for another day.

Anyway, given the popularity, someone likes this concept.  Now, I couldn’t tell you for sure if it is because of a heart’s urge to be wanted to badly that the person literally goes crazy for you, or if it is because the archetype always makes for some very twisted drama, or something in between, but I’m going to project a bit and say that at least in part it’s that former bit.  After all, everyone wants someone to love, and someone to love them.  We have so many songs about it, and so many stories about it (some of which float by purely because of the concept of romance) that I don’t think anyone could argue otherwise.  And it makes sense in a way, after all: if they’re willing to kill for you, then obviously you mean a lot more to them than the corpse did, the fact that you’re still breathing and they’re not notwithstanding.  That sort of love is a powerful thing.  After all, psychologically and morally, for most people, human life is a rather big thing.  Having someone willing to throw that away (even if it isn’t THEIR life) for you at the drop of a hat is a very potent symbol.  Sure, you have to walk on eggshells, for fear of hurting one of your other friends, but you can also trust that as long as you are faithful, there is no chance that they will cease to be.

I think that’s the big thing that draws at least me to the concept too, that little itch of an idea that a Yandere might be a monster in a cute disguise, but at least the yandere isn’t going to stab YOU in the back unless you really did do something to deserve it (most of the time).  That’s a hell of an emotional support, at least conceptually.  Now, in practice, it becomes a whole different ball of wax, I’m sure, as any eggshell walking practice becomes, but attraction rarely has anything to do with the concept of practice itself, if you ask me.  There’s also the part where your typical yandere character is CUTE, at least while she’s in the dere (lovestruck) part of the yandere.  They get a bit terrifying while trying to kill someone of course.  And cute never hurt anyone’s chances of others liking them.

Of course, personally, I think an awful lot of it from my perspective has to do with the clingyness of it.  My SOs so far haven’t been nearly as touchy-feely as I can tend to be, and that can be a real downer when you get down to it.  My most recent SO has grown so cold that we barely touch when I do visit, even though normally I live a quarter of a continent away.  That hurts, and thanks to an amazing thing called  polar opposing insecurity compensation, the natural reaction is of course to try and grab the thing farthest possible from the current situation.  Obviously, not the best of options (think about it like flying to the North Pole because it is too hot in the Sahara), but our brains are hilariously stupid when it comes to reacting to pain and fear.  Still, something interesting to think about, at least in my mind.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

Psychology, pain and moving forward vs moving back

So, a few minutes ago, I reblogged an interesting read from Cristian Mihai.  The basics about it being about letting go vs holding on.  Now, in some ways, he and I do have different opinions about things, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth the read.  Rather than clutter up his blog with my own musings, however, I figured I’d post up here my thoughts and all about the subject in full.

The concept of “letting go vs moving on” is actually a really deep conversation, with a myriad factors.  Personally, I’m not a fan of blanket statements in general because of the inherent logical flaws that can spring up (yes, I’m aware of the irony in that statement), but personally, I find that in general, the act of holding on, protecting the status quo (if we wish to define “holding on” as such) is typically the easier route.  There are exceptions, such as Christian Mihai’s plight in keeping funding for his blog.  It would, without a doubt, be easier for him to just pack up and move on, at least in terms of physical effort and time.

At the same time, though, clinging to a dream as the last grains of sand slip through your fingers is a different kind of hard.  It’s not hard because of the effort, it’s hard emotionally, because you stare at failure while it taunts you.  This is a common problem for me, both with holding on, keeping my status quo at the cost of my expression, my love and sometimes, even my future; as well as with letting go, standing still while opportunity slips away, lettings others go because it is safer if I let the friendship die in the comfort of my home rather than confront them and push to keep going.

I suppose, in a way, one could argue that both options are a way of holding on being hard though.  After all, while I might be holding onto the status quo, I’m letting go of my future, of friends and fun, because I’m afraid to hold onto the moment and let myself be exposed to the potential pain.  It is, sadly, a bit of a defining feature for me these days, though one I am decided to let go, as this blog might show.  Yeah, I obfuscate who I am, hide where I live, will not speak of my age or gender, but at the same time, even behind those safeguards, this is the real me.  I’m deep at times, but I’m also hurt and damaged, afraid and alone.  I think about a lot, and usually I keep it all bottled up, but the cork’s off this bottle and who knows what comes next.

Anyway, in the subject I mentioned Psychology.  One thing we as humans have a tendency to do is to try and protect the current state.  Think about it, even those of you who are more spontaneous risk takes out there, how often do you make a choice knowing that doing so might hurt your current state?  And when you do, there’s always the thought that the reward is worth it, or the risk is small enough to be ignored.  You aren’t likely to go walking down a minefield for $1, but you might do it for $1b, as an extreme example (and even then, a large portion of you still wouldn’t do it, even if there was only one mine to worry about).  Similarly, how often have you looked at a cute guy or girl, thought about how much you might want to simply get to know them (let alone anything following) but simply sat where you were, watching from afar because you were afraid of changing the status quo from enjoying a latte to having someone laugh at you?  That fear is a powerful thing, and it is there for a good reason (for instance, with the mines, please don’t actually try that) but sometimes, it just holds you back (like saying hi).  So this is my saying hi, and letting go of at least some of that fear.  And I hope that maybe you can do the same thing, either in my comments, but if not there, maybe you’ll find someone nice to flirt with, if nothing else.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon